Twosided Coin
by Jo. R
Summary: Post-ep ThreadsMoebius. She thought she was okay. She was wrong.


Title: Two-sided Coin  
Author: Jo. R  
Rating: CF (Child Friendly)  
Spoilers: Threads  
Season/Sequel: End of season 8.  
Category: Angst, post-ep/missing scene: Threads/Moebius  
Archive: Random Ramblings, SJA, Helio, Gateworld, SJFic, Summary: She thought she was okay. She was wrong.  
Disclaimer: They characters mentioned within are not mine, never have been and never will be. No money is being made, no disrespect is meant.  
Author's Notes: So yeah, I thought I was over this. Evidently not.

* * *

It hits her in the middle of a briefing with General Hammond, Major Davis and Agent Johnson present. They're there to represent Homeworld Security in deciding how best to handle the future of the SGC but she has no idea what they've been talking about for the past hour.

She lifts the water jug beside her and fills her glass and almost has the tumbler to her lips when it hits her.

Her father is dead.

Her parents are gone.

Even though she's not a little girl anymore, she doesn't have anyone to run home to. No one to wipe away her tears, hold her as she cries. No one to kiss it better when she hurts. Not that her father's been within running distance for a while but that thought doesn't cross her mind until much later.

The tumbler falls from numb fingers and the sound of it hitting the table startles her even though she knew it was coming.

She watches the water spread, soaking the file in front of her, smudging the type but she doesn't hear the concerned voices or notice that her trembling hand is now pressed against her lips.

She doesn't realise there's moisture on her cheeks or that the people around her are already moving to mop up the mess.

She doesn't realise in her haste to leave that she backed her chair into Daniel, who was hovering over her.

She doesn't realise she's on the surface until the cool air hits her face and wonders why she doesn't remember the journey up.

The looks she gets go unnoticed which is probably a good thing since they'd just annoy her anyway.

She gets out of view of the check point and her legs give way, crumpling beneath her weight. She's shaking now, not just in her hands. The tears are rolling down her face hard and fast and there's nothing she can do to stop them.

She'd always known that once she started crying, she wouldn't be able to stop. That was why there were no tears at the funeral, no tears when she said goodbye.

That was why she'd turned down all three of the men in her life when they'd offered her a shoulder to lean on.

Her stomach hurts and her chest aches. She thinks that maybe if she doesn't stop soon she's going to be sick but there's nothing she can do to make them go away.

Nothing she can do to stop.

"I hate you."

She doesn't realise at first that they're her words, from her mouth, escaping between the sobs. She does, however, know who they're aimed at and it isn't the concerned threesome she doesn't see approach.

"You left me when I needed you the most and I hate you for it. I hate you for leaving me, for making me hurt and I hate that you didn't do anything to stop it. You could've stopped it, Dad. You could've chosen to stay but you didn't. You left me and I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you."

The words fade into sobs and she curls up, trying to stop the pain.

Trying to stop the tears.

It doesn't work.

She thinks of the people she's lost – who've left her – and the tears keep coming.

Her mother.

Her best friend in college.

Jonas Hanson.

Martouf.

Janet.

Her father.

Pete.

She hates them, she thinks. She hates every single one of them. Every single person who chose to leave her.

And she hates the people she still has, too, because she knows that one day they're going to leave her and she can't handle that.

When Daniel moves to put a hand on her shoulder she pushes him away.

She doesn't think about the people he's lost at that moment, too overwhelmed by her own grief to consider anyone else's. She doesn't think about his parents, his grandfather, his wife.

She thinks instead of the times he's left her, of the times she believed him dead and she hates him too.

She doesn't hear the murmur as the stunned archaeologist steps back and exchanges words with the others.

Doesn't pay attention as two of them step back to allow the third to move closer.

The hand on her shoulder isn't the one she's expecting but she tries to shake it off anyway.

It doesn't work.

Teal'c is stronger than she is even on her best days and she's in no condition to fight him now.

She hates him for that.

He stays there behind her, his hands on her shoulders as she sobs and swears and curses everything and everyone she's ever known.

He's still there when the tears dry up and her stomach turns and she thinks that yeah, she is going to be sick.

He only leaves when the shaking gives way to the occasional shiver, a tremor she can't control. He gives her shoulders a squeeze and steps back, making room for the third man to take over.

She wants to protest when the arm is slung oh-so-casually around her shoulders, when she's pulled over to rest her head on his shoulder.

She can't fight it, though, her energy spent on the unplanned bout of tears and she hates him, hates herself for that.

She thinks for a fleeting moment that she hates the world and won't bother saving it next time but then feels his lips against her head before being replaced by the weight of his chin and thinks that maybe she might change her mind.

Maybe.

She loves them and she hates them because she does.

She loved her parents and lost them and it hurts.

She hadn't realised how much until that morning.

Until she was sitting there listening to their ideas, talking about their allies.

Until someone mentioned the Tok'ra and she caught herself thinking 'I miss Dad, I wonder how he is' then remembered he's gone.

Realised he's dead and he's not going to be the person the Tok'ra send through the Stargate to liase with them because he's gone.

"I hate him."

The words lack the venom they had before and hurt to say.

"I know you do, Carter."

"I hate you, too. All of you."

"We hate you, too."

"Okay."

It's not okay but she thinks it might be. There's still a hole her chest, an emptiness inside her that won't be easily filled but the tears are all gone now and she thinks she's started to accept it.

She thinks that maybe she can start being okay instead of just pretending to be, even if she does still hate him and the world and everything else.

She only hates them so much because she loves them and they get that because they love her, too.

* * *

Fini 


End file.
